America's Next Top Mom

So my one guilty pleasure (ok not the only one but the only one i have time for) is watching Top Model every single Wednesday night. This show is my superbowl and frankly I am not ashamed to admit my addiction. Nonetheless a woman was recently sent home on the show and during her teary eyed goodbye she said that she felt like she failed her daughter by getting sent home so early in the competition. This of course struck a nerve because I know exactly how she feels. From the time that I found out I was pregnant I felt that every accomplishment that I made was for my son. Every job I applied for every grade I earned I did so with his picture in my mind. Motherhood has a funny way of making you feel like a failure even in the midst of success because you feel like nothing you ever do will be enough for this tiny person that you are responsible for. I think this fact is both beautiful and absolutely terrifying because where do we draw the line of self deprecation and remember that we're just humans, despite the cape we wear and the dragons we slay there will come a time for all of us when there is something we cannot do. I of course refute this fact on a daily basis and slave night and day to make myself the superhero that i hope my little one thinks that i am some day. My mom is still my superhero and though growing older has allowed me to see her "human side" i still run to her for salvation because everyone knows that mommies can do absolutely anything. Right? I mean sure I havent lifted any cars lately. And the last time I checked I couldnt fly. In fact I still turn on the lights to watch a scary movie and run through a dark parking lot to get to my car. But dammit I make a mean blueberry pancake and cna single handedly make mac n cheese, type a paper, run the vacuum, wipe a nose and change a dirty diaper in five minutes flat...with one hand tied behind my back...uphill both ways...in the snow. SO THERE!

Bad mom jeans

I was walking down the street with my little one and my eyes landed on a woman. She was in a state of haggard that I've only seen on life time movies. As her little one bounced playfully along in his stroller the poor woman struggled to hold up the suitcases under her eyes while feigning a smile at a passerby though she looked as if she would collapse at any moment. In her jeans which were a size too small in the waist but a size too big in the butt she self concsiously adjusted her shirt as two twenty somethings in skinny jeans bobbed past. The poor woman was a typical mom, in typical bad mom jeans with a bad mom haircut and bad mom shoes. (I wish to pause right here for those of you unfamilar with the term and clarify that "bad mom" is not a reflection on parenting skills but merely states that the clothes themselves are "not as they should be" just so we're clear) I wanted to hug her, give her some reassurance, hell buy her a cup of coffee. As i inched closer I was struck by a frightening revelation. I was staring at my reflection in a store window. Who the heck was this woman and what did she do with the hip trendy milf I swore I was going to be??? Somewhere along the line I missed the memo about caring for my child AND myself. Healthy dinners turned into trips through the drive through. Hair appointments gave way to playdates. Manicures were replaced by...actually they weren't replaced but what's the point in getting a manicure if your hands are immersed in dishwater and diapers during all of your waking hours? Basically I gave up on glamour and pretty much gave up on me. On the brightside however my child remains traffic-stopping adorable and is the cleanest and most coordinated one year old you will ever lay eyes on. So what's the solution? How do you balance caring for "them" and caring for you? How do you find time to fix dinner AND fix your hair? What is the cutoff for maternity jeans when your regular ones dont fit and you can't buy new ones? How are you supposed to shave your legs while deflecting the toys, spoons, and various household objects your little one is trying to throw into the toilet? How can you be a mom AND a person? What you don't have the answers? O crap, you thought I did? Give me a minute i'll work on it and get back to you.