The Dating Game

Last night I went on the first date i've been on since my son was born. I. Was. Terrified. after going so long just being a mom, a student, or a teacher, last night was my chance to be a woman. Nothing else, a dainty, girly, glossy, flirty woman. Yet as i sat in the parking lot of the restaurant trying my best not to hyperventilate i could not for the life of me remember how to do that. I have spent so long forgetting the "glam" side of me and embracing the sweatpants wearing, cookie baking, crayon smelling person i'd become that i all but lost the dive i used to be. BUT. i think i found her. slowly but surely i have been taking little steps to reclaim my "non-mom" side. trying to fit in pedicures and hair apponitments and taking an extra 3 minutes in the shower to enjoy the little bit of quiet...taking out the legos and cars that usually litter the bottom of the tub. having a glass of wine after bedtime. even grocery shopping alone has made me remember what its like to be a human being. and i'm actually ok with that. for a while i felt guilty about missing the old me, like i was somehow betraying my child by remembering life before he was here. but i see now that its ok to want some of the tidbits of the old me and blend them with the mom me. now, who's treating me to a pedicure!?

define deadbeat

for the past two years i have been engaged in an internal battle between my human self and my christian self. my christian self has been trying, praying, waiting to forgive my son's father (who shall from here out be referred to as "bd") for all of the marks he has missed as far as fatherhood is concerned. the human side of me wishes on every fountain, penny and shooting star that he'll get hit by a bus. some days i am content to be on my own, knowing that every milestone and accomplishment that my little one makes is all my doing...then the bills pile up and as i stand in Target trying to decide between the huggies and store brand diapers i get so angry that my heart literally threatens to beat out of my chest.
when did it suddenly become acceptable for men to make children and walk away from all responsibility to them? of course i am not a man so i can only speculate but i do not think i could ever walk away from my child, regardless of my feelings towards his mother, and never look back. what kind of person can wake up day after day not knowing whether their child is fed, clothed, or warm? i'll tell you what kind: the kind that needs to get hit by a bus :-) but i digress. the point that i am trying to make is that every day i go back and forth between going the family court route, or just pretending he doesnt exist. the toughest times are when i look into my son's eyes and know that one day he is going to ask about his father and no matter what i tell him deep down he will feel a sense of loss and abandonment in knowing that his dad didnt love him. how do i as a mother shoulder that guilt and supress that anger? for that question i have no answer. where's a good bus when you need one?

Edamommy

Recently my son began attending daycare...which in and of itself is a major milestone, BUT whats even a bigger deal is that this is not your run of the mill daycare...no no, this is the Harvard of daycares. Within a week my little one was singing his ABCs and putting his own shoes on, drinking out of a cup and asking for foods by name. Yale here we come! But here's my dilemma: while this school is the be all and end all in daycares i cant help but feel a little self conscious about the fact that I am one of very few single parents at the school. Each day i find myself working extra hard to make sure everything from my little one's clothes to his lunch reflect the fact that I am an awesome mom...why? I HAVE NO IDEA. the sheer lunacy of this aspiration came to a head one night as i was packing lunch for the next day. Because i had not had a chance to go grocery shopping the only thing in the fridge that he might eat was pizza. i panicked. there was no way i could send my baby to school with pizza for lunch when the ther children's lunch boxes were full or tortellini, 312 grain bread (yes, 312 whole grains), and edamame. what kind of person would they think i was if they found out i was serving my child pizza!?
a few months in to the ritual i have become more comforable with being myself around the other moms, i still cant help but wonder what it is inside of us that makes us think that we have some standard to measure up to. regardless of whether my son eats cookies or apples, soy milk or water or indulges in the ocasional ice cream cone he is still a bright beaming demonstration of the love that he receives on a daily basis. besides, he's way smarter than those edamame eating tikes anyway ;-)