define deadbeat

for the past two years i have been engaged in an internal battle between my human self and my christian self. my christian self has been trying, praying, waiting to forgive my son's father (who shall from here out be referred to as "bd") for all of the marks he has missed as far as fatherhood is concerned. the human side of me wishes on every fountain, penny and shooting star that he'll get hit by a bus. some days i am content to be on my own, knowing that every milestone and accomplishment that my little one makes is all my doing...then the bills pile up and as i stand in Target trying to decide between the huggies and store brand diapers i get so angry that my heart literally threatens to beat out of my chest.
when did it suddenly become acceptable for men to make children and walk away from all responsibility to them? of course i am not a man so i can only speculate but i do not think i could ever walk away from my child, regardless of my feelings towards his mother, and never look back. what kind of person can wake up day after day not knowing whether their child is fed, clothed, or warm? i'll tell you what kind: the kind that needs to get hit by a bus :-) but i digress. the point that i am trying to make is that every day i go back and forth between going the family court route, or just pretending he doesnt exist. the toughest times are when i look into my son's eyes and know that one day he is going to ask about his father and no matter what i tell him deep down he will feel a sense of loss and abandonment in knowing that his dad didnt love him. how do i as a mother shoulder that guilt and supress that anger? for that question i have no answer. where's a good bus when you need one?